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I Love You! I Hate You!
Mark Goulston
Mature love is loving someone in spite of what they do wrong.
In the thought provoking July 3, 2006 Los Angeles Times article "I Love You! I Hate You!" Marianne Szegedy-Maszak describes research that essentially says the lower your self-esteem, the more difficult it is for you to accept that people in your life have both good and bad attributes. Instead you see people as all good or all bad. The higher your self-esteem, the more you are able to see people as "whole" having both good and bad attributes. Some other measures of high self-esteem are listed below:
The Top 10 Measures of Self-Esteem
Self-esteem should not be confused with self-confidence -- self-confidence is
believing in your competence, whereas self-esteem is believing in your
worthiness. You build self-esteem the old fashioned way, you e-a-r-n it --
through dedication, effort, and sacrifice.
When you
have developed it, your reward is to feel whole and satisfied. You show your
gratitude not only by giving generously back to the world, but by being
gracious in victory and graceful in defeat. Self-esteem is crucial to how much
or how little contentment you feel at the end of your life.
1. How
much you do to raise and DON'T do to lower the self-esteem of others.
2. How
long you sustain an effort outside of your comfort zone to help the common
good.
3.
How full an effort you give to a fair decision that you disagree with.
4. How
easily you ask for help or assistance.
5. How
quickly and sincerely you thank someone who has helped you.
6. How quickly
you offer help without the other person having to ask for it.
7. How
fully you forgive and forget after you've been hurt and how quickly you move
on.
8. How
quickly you recognize and earnestly you apologize for your failures of
commission or omission.
9. How
enthusiastically you congratulate someone else on an achievement or good fortune.
10. How
much more you give to the world than you take from it.
© 2003 Mark Goulston, couplescompany.com
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Posted by markgoulston on July 4, 2006 | Permalink
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Comments
I am not completely sure what I think on this subject, so I'm not going to fight you too hard. I liked your comments. Though I do want to point out a philosophy on Identity that is a little different in one particular sense on "worthiness." See what you think and let me know.
This philosophy is called Identity/Role Theory, or just I/R Theory.
The belief is that the Role is indeed earned, however Identity is not. On a scale of one to ten, we are all born a 10, but society beats us into believing that must earn it. If we don't then we're a waste of carbon.
The best analogy I heard on this is this: For parents out there, when your child was a new born, how good were they in their Role? Zero. Completely dependent, unless crying is a contribution. Ok. Now how much were they worth? Priceless. Perfect 10. They start that way. It's the Role they have to earn. I have to admit, having a 17 month old, this really hits home.
However, society creates a different belief, and thus ones *view* of their own identity might suffer. According to the theory, the significance of this is huge. It's not just about being at "peace" with ourselves...or whatever. At the core of the theory is the belief that we can only perform in our Role to a level of success that is consistent with our view of our own Identity--or at least not very much better.
So, yes our Identity could be a perfect 10 and we could still be a lousy 1 on Role. However, this usually won't prevail. In order for our Role to get up to the 8-10 range, our Identity has to be up there too. If our Identity is up there, there will be a tendency to find where you can make an impact and do just that. Again, society puts quite a strain on us, making our own view of ourselves very powerful either positive or negative.
On the flip side, if our Identity is a 3, we will not be a 10, or even a 7 in our Role (and I believe in Marcus Buckingham's findings strengths, which I don't think contradict this). So viewing your own Identity as a 10 does not guarantee that your Role will be also. However, the belief is that your Role has no chance of being at the top if your view of your Identity is in the tank.
Another belief is that when people view themselves as a perfect 10 in Identity, they are more capable of facing the brutal facts (as "Good to Great" would say) about their own Role or that of their team. They are capable of being critical of themselves without concern of weakening their Identity, and therefore can chart a path forward into a successful Role, or be the boss who can eat his words and make the necessary corrections. I believe that a lot of the points you made about having high self esteem are complimentary here.
At least it goes something like that. Your thoughts?
Posted by: Michael Bachelor | Jul 6, 2006 7:09:50 AM
I follow your explanation of the push-pull aspect between "Identity" and "Role" and how this can tie into self esteem. But in this theory what makes up identity? Or the view of identity? Role seems to be more clear cut: you fulfill a mission, a need of some kind. Be it either one that society needs or wants or you need or want. So what's identity? The tools that enable you to fulfill the role? Or your belief about your tools? So if given a good identity (10), or even if you belive you have a good identity, now you will fulfill a good role (or have the potential to) and so now your self esteem will soar. But if given a bad identity (3), or you belive you have a bad one, you will never surpass 3 in the "Role" side so your self esteem is doomed to always be in a hole. Still makes me wonder what "identity" or the view of it is. What's it made of?
On a separate note, your comments made me think of Victor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning." He survived Natzi prison camps and had a thing or two to say about the inner world. His primary question in the book (it seems to me) had to do with "What made some survive and some give up?" He studies this and adds his own personal experiences to the question. For me the biggest take-away from that book was the message: (paraphrasing here) "Do not confuse a man's dignity with his usefulness." How's that at tie-in for self-esteem and the I/R theory? So fundamentally, at the core, we either believe that we are worthy or not, irrespective of everything else. What leads to answering the question of worthyness in a positive way? Maybe it's training, maybe it's choice, maybe it's genetics. I suppose that's the unknown. Maybe you answer that question as you struggle and grow in life, maybe it's a learned answer. That certainly seems to be what Mark says, you earn it through doing certain things.
But I fear this is all getting a little too heady. To mee the primary thing I see in the newspaper article and the list of 10 items is flexibility, the ability to let go and to not view negative events as directly tied into one's worthyness in general. You reserve the right to be your own judge and you choose to be a kind, benevolent one, but realistic and fair as well. Interesteing research topic. Neat!
Posted by: Vivienne Fagrell | Jul 6, 2006 1:48:15 PM
Vivienne,
That's a question a hadn't pondered. "What is Identity made of?" Or what is the source for it.
Hmm.
First, I need to shun any notion that I'm an expert. I'm just trying to work it out.
My sense is that identity IS self-esteem, or how you view your self-worth. Simantics could get me tangled here. My interpretation is that it isn't a topic centered around "worth." Worth by itself isn't specific enough. Rather it is "self-worth" (Idendity) and "contribution-worth" (Role). That's my take.
That leads to Role being very contribution-based, and Identity being existence-based.
Pardon the religious analogy: You're made in God's image, so you're a perfect 10 as a spiritual being...with the freedom to squander your gifts or thrive. Regardless, you're priceless in your existence, and may or may not be in your work. I don't mean to turn this into a religious discussion, but it might help understand the concept.
Then there is the part about making the correlation between the two. Not that they are tied together, but rather that Role is affected both positively and negatively by Identity. In theory, it shouldn't be the other way around. Although we all know that isn't true in how we view things.
I want to clarify a point here. If we are a 3 in our Role, then a strong Identity will allow us to face that fact. We are permitted to be disappointed in our own performance AND be a 10 in Identity. In fact, the point is that in order to face a harsh reality about your performance and DO something about it, you best be strong in Identity. If not, chances are you won't fare as well.
Again, just my concept of this stuff. It's not my theory. I think I like it though.
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