How to Get "Buy In"

Mark Goulston

To get people to open their minds to you,
get them to uncross their arms.

Forget about “the shin bone’s connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone’s connected to the hip bone, etc.” Just remember: “the arms are connected to the mind.”

One of my main specialties is helping people to gain “buy in” from others. I’ve worked with CEO’s, directors, senior executives and FBI and police hostage negotiators to do so. Unless people “buy in” first, it’s unlikely that they are going to buy—or believe—whatever you tell or sell them. “Buy in” is the foreplay of negotiation, persuasion and selling. In hostage negotiation (see FBI Testimonial ) it is what causes a person holding a gun to ease off the trigger.

One of the most effective ways to gain “buy in” from others is to get them to uncross the arms on their body and uncross the arms in their mind. You can’t force people to uncross both. Even if you order or direct them to uncross their actual arms, you can’t make them uncross the ones in their minds.

What you can do however is cause them to uncross their arms in both places of their own free will. To do this, ask them a question that they feel tremendous emotion or passion about. Using words will be insufficient to communicate what they feel and they will need to use their arms to emphasize what they say. This is why you will often see people using their arms and hands to make a point even when they are talking on a telephone.

When people uncross their arms and use them to communicate, a door opens into their minds. The problem is that when that door first opens, there is no room (yet) to get through it, because they are caught up in the barrage of what’s coming out of it at you.

So…

1. Give the person plenty of time to express whatever they’re saying.
2. Don’t take issue with it, become defensive or get into a debate.
3. Know that after they have vented, they will become exhausted vs. relaxed and then anxious or even paranoid. (That’s because they unconsciously realize that they have dumped on you and will now be expecting for you to retaliate, tell them they’re wrong, get angry, put them down or at the very least become defensive.)
4. Rather than doing any of these, pause after they have unloaded on you and say: “Tell me more” and they will breathe a sigh of relief and exhale.
5. They will be grateful to you for not reacting the way everyone else would .
6. And they will show their gratitude by opening their mind to you.

To find our more about how to continue this dialogue in the direction where people will come over to your side of thinking and do what you want them to do, contact Mark at: mgoulston@ferrazzigreenlight.com and find out more about “Buy In” training.