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Tip 116 – When You Say The Wrong Thing
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Tip
116 – When You Say The Wrong Thing
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"Recently
I hosted a dinner with a great group of friends and people I wanted to meet.
One of my guests was a particularly good friend, a guy I care about and respect
deeply. Until recently, this guy was a
high profile
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Posted by Keith Ferrazzi on April 22, 2008 | Permalink
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Comments
what would everyone do if your friend is offended to the point that they do not want to talk to you about it or it seems like they are still mad at you even after your apologize?
Posted by: Derek Grundy | Apr 22, 2008 10:38:23 AM
Thanks for the honesty! I have recently come to realize that people connect well to stories of great times invested, or how someone has changed our lives.
I have realized my driven personality needs levels of compassion and gratitude to balance the strong messages I tend to communicate.
Love the blog!!
LB
Posted by: Luc Boivin | Apr 22, 2008 10:40:21 AM
Dear Keith: There is special humility in saying "I am sorry." My grandmother always said, "The sun should never set on hurt or anger." And we have learned to live by this and it appears that you have as well.
In my relationship columns are "Words that Harm, Words that Heal" from Providence Journal on my blog. I am certain that you have found the healing words. As always, my thanks. / R
www.ritawatson.com
Posted by: Rita Watson | Apr 22, 2008 10:41:56 AM
Bonjour Keith
This is great, especially that you went to your friend instead of waiting for him to bring it up. This is a big part of being 100% for our lives.
Thank you for this information
Sylvie Moncion
Posted by: Sylvie Moncion | Apr 22, 2008 10:42:24 AM
Well, Keith, this is one thing, but you were in a personal setting, and it's a lot easier to forgive a social blunder in a personal setting. Now, the real question, for me, was - how do you resolve a professional impropriety? Where you may've said something you didnt mean to say to a co-worker? Apologizing sometimes can only go so far, depending on the 'pride' of the offended party, they might not find an apology enough, even if, in the offenders eyes, one hasn't said anything that bad.
Posted by: Frank Sampleman | Apr 22, 2008 10:47:45 AM
Thank you for sharing this information in your blog today.
Posted by: Jana Davenport | Apr 22, 2008 10:53:00 AM
What would everyone do if your friend is offended to the point ...
I would completely allow them that, would tell them I understand, but would let them know that if the day ever comes that they can let me back in, I hope they will let me know ... and that I might even check back in with them someday ...
Posted by: DB Tucker | Apr 22, 2008 10:54:43 AM
Good post, Keith. You're not alone this week ... Jack Welch made the same mistake in a public comment about his successor, Jeff Immelt, and took the same approach to resolving -- posted his mea culpa in his column in the April 28 issue of Business Week magazine. It happens to everyone, but the mistake is only compounded by not acknowledging it!
Posted by: G Graham | Apr 22, 2008 11:00:22 AM
Thanks Jana - I appreciate the advice
Posted by: Derek Grundy | Apr 22, 2008 11:10:38 AM
Keith, I fully concur with your recommendations for how to handle this situation. Emotional intelligence teaches us that those hurts will indeed fester and create distance when not acknowledged. Ideally one would be able to say that it hurt, privately, as soon as possible, and the following conversation could clear it up. What would have happened if someone hadn't told you about your fumble? How long would it have simmered? Would the other person ever have approached you?
I suggest that sarcasm is never a good idea and teasing is best done only between VERY good friends, because both are easily misinterpreted.
Posted by: Patricia Clason | Apr 22, 2008 11:17:37 AM
Dear Keith,
It was a great sign of character what you did and a very important lesson for all of us to remember.
Many blessings,
Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: Quantum Knights
Posted by: Arturo Gonzalez | Apr 22, 2008 11:28:16 AM
Great lesson in humility which, when done in the way your relating, is not the same as humiliation. The sooner I can admit I've hurt someone and then communicate that to the appropriate person or persons, the sooner I am back on a path on which I can tolerate myself. I finally got to where I couldn't carry all those hurt feelings around with me anymore. Thanks Keith.
Posted by: Mike Chapman | Apr 22, 2008 12:14:10 PM
The 1st thing I think of when I read this story is that the tongue as small as it is, is like the rudder of a ship. It determines the direction of the entire vessel. You have acted with the wisdom and sensitivity that I have come to know and respect in you. Although your tongue got you in a spot, you also used it to navigate out of the storm and to show your friend how much they really mean to you. Thanks for sharing.
AT
Posted by: Alan Townsend | Apr 22, 2008 12:20:02 PM
The 1st thing I think of when I read this story is that the tongue as small as it is, is like the rudder of a ship. It determines the direction of the entire vessel. You have acted with the wisdom and sensitivity that I have come to know and respect in you. Although your tongue got you in a spot, you also used it to navigate out of the storm and to show your friend how much they really mean to you. Thanks for sharing.
AT
Posted by: Alan Townsend | Apr 22, 2008 12:20:10 PM
I have followed this model many times. I think when you are person that jokes around a lot you are going to do this sometimes, or someone just won't share your sense of humor.
I would wonder though, how you would suggest handling an intentional act of disrespect from a co-worker or colleague. I often say that "I'm sorry" are the two most under and overutilized words in the English language. Some people don't realize how a simple "I'm sorry" can mean so much to mend a relationship, and others think they can just say "I'm sorry" and have even the most egregious acts absolved. I struggle with this one often - it's tough to forigve intentional, calculated acts when you just hear "I'm sorry".
Posted by: Robb Bohannon | Apr 22, 2008 12:43:49 PM
This situation reminded me of one that I got myself into last year. In addition to teaching full-time at a low-income, African-American school, I landed a part-time hostess job at a hot, new restaurant in Chicago. I love the restaurant scene and thought that the hostess job would help me unwind from the constant violence and hopelessness within the school. After school, I'd change clothes and then rush from teaching to the restaurant, which was refined, vibrant, and swank. During opening week, an African-American man walked in and said he was waiting for a friend and would have a drink at the bar. An hour and a half passed, still no friend. He walked back over to the hostess stand where my co-worker (also African-American) and I were standing. He made a comment about his friend being late, and I responded in a way that was culturally insensitive. As soon as the words tumbled out, I knew it was offensive. Within my high school, the language I used was commonplace, but in this setting it was inexcusable and inappropriate. I apologized profusely and made clear that I was aware how ignorant my words were and how they in no way reflected my true beliefs. Luckily, the man understood and was able to laugh about it. My co-worker, however, did not. She was livid and immediately spoke to management. The following day, the GM called me over and fired me. It was an important lesson- the words that others heard didn’t accurately represent my convictions or my values. It doesn’t matter what you think, what matters is what others think that you think. This lesson has kept me in check ever since.
Posted by: Leah Marshall | Apr 22, 2008 12:51:42 PM
Been there, done that. I would like to think that once people get to know me, they realize that I’m not a loose cannon, someone who goes around and blurts out whatever the hell I want say at any given moment. The truth is, you are judged constantly by your words, and once you hurt someone’s feelings – even if you didn’t mean to, its tough to recover. It would be great to be spontaneous and be your true self all the time but one must develop an internal editor and make an attempt to be politically correct, sensitive, aware of the dignity of others, and just make an overall attempt to not make unwelcome comments.
Posted by: Rich | Apr 22, 2008 1:34:27 PM
What a fantastic and very realistic example of accountability, responsibility, honoring the truth AND a friend, those with whom we must be real and transparent. As is said in Ephesians 4:26 (NIV): "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry". Once you knew, you didn't; that choice will be (and already is) blessed and rewarded.
Posted by: L Geraci | Apr 22, 2008 2:07:34 PM
Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture) said the same thing. Acknowledge your mistake, apologize and ask what you can do to make it better. Let's teach this to all who are willing to learn, starting with our children and grandchildren. Bless you.
Posted by: linda myers | Apr 22, 2008 3:50:26 PM
Congratualtions Keith,
You have exhibited such grace with your humility and sincere regret.
All the best,
Peggy
Posted by: Peggy Cafferty | Apr 22, 2008 6:33:50 PM
Ciao Keith,
Sei bravo! I have learned from years of being a stubborn fool that I must always admit when I am wrong and try to make amends as soon as possible. When I do I feel a sense of relieve and gratitude. I must also remember that my pride if unchecked will cause me great difficulty. If I am too proud to admit I am wrong I run the risk of ruining a good friendship, but I also must remember that I am going to make mistakes and it's not the end of the world.
Grazie mille,
Bill
Posted by: Bill | Apr 22, 2008 8:04:21 PM
It seems I've made this mistake far too often, Keith.
Thanks for sharing your humility, and offering clear suggestions for making amends.
Jay
Posted by: Jay | Apr 22, 2008 8:19:49 PM
Gee...and all the while I thought I was the only one to "accidentally" wound with slip of some misplaced comments. Thank you for your frank words and I appreciate making all of us out there feel that we can sometimes unintentionally screw-up...We have a lot of wise grandma's out there in the crowd. "I'm sorry" to a true friend usually is all that is needed to move on. Bravo!
Posted by: Michele | Apr 23, 2008 9:32:18 AM
This site was just forwarded to me. It came on a day when I was re-thinking, re-reading and re-analyzing my thoughts. We have a large group of close friends who have just gone through a particularly difficult time and the stress has taken it's toll more on some than others. Unkind, even abusive words were exchanged, which can be dealt with eventually. The underlying problem seems to be lack of respect for one particular individual who is well loved within the group, but because of the attack on this person, the rest of us, or, I should say some of us are wondering about the validity of the friendships we thought were solid. I am going to keep reading and hope to see some relevance to this situation and in the meantime, I'm saying a silent thank you to the friend who sent this along. xoxoxox to you, DW.
Posted by: Judith | Apr 23, 2008 1:17:15 PM
Wow, judging by the amount of posts here, I'm not the only one who's uttered something they immediately wanted to retract! Last week while discussing pricing strategy with some co-workers I was upset with some low-ball pricing and called us "the bottom feeders of the training world".
Well I got some email responses, one saying, "Gee, I've never been called a bottom feeder before". I felt awful and had to call everyone to appologize personally...that alone will make me think twice the next time. Great advice Keith!
Posted by: John E | Apr 23, 2008 1:49:06 PM
We do make mistakes; however, being able to share that experience with others is humbling and giving (in a way teaching others to avoid such mistakes). Thank you for being generous with the tips as always!
Posted by: Zaya Dondov | Apr 23, 2008 11:41:23 PM
Great tip, Keith. No matter how young or old people are, everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. It is good to read blogs, such as this, to keep one in check, and to remind us all that even the most successful people slip up, and that not one person is perfect.
As a young, 22 year old adult (which some of you I am sure would love to say "you're still a kid!" and that I completely understand), it is good to see blogs such as this, especially since I am young, a little naive naturally, and trying to perfect my social behavior.
Thank you, Keith, and I look forward to reading more blogs from you.
And, last but not least, thank you everyone for sharing your wisdom and expertise to help a young soul such as myself!
CMC
Posted by: Christopher Ciampa | Apr 25, 2008 1:38:00 PM
Today a co-worker said something very hurtful to me, and I would appreciate any comments and advice. This occurred when three others and I were at a coffee hour before a talk. I have never had any problems with any of these people, and have socialized with them sometimes, although they are younger. The other people were: a male engineer (we are the only two engineers in our research center and we both have Master's degrees), his wife, and a woman who is here for a year from Japan and working on her Ph.D. It happens that I am far beyond the other engineer in math. He is having a lot of trouble with his project. I don;t have any connection to the lab he is in. I was assigned a similar project and completed it easily in a few weeks. I don't think he knows what my job asignments have been. The Japanese woman suddenly said to him, "You really know a lot of math. You must be some kind of genius." She seemed to be quite intentional in saying this to him and saying nothing to me. Since the comment was not addressed to me, I said nothing. I didn;t mind having the other person feel good abour receiving a compliment. However, it did not make me feel that I, as a woman, was being treated as the equal of a male engineer. This Japanese woman is dating a man in my lab, and I wonder whether she is trying to advance her boyfriend at my expense. This does not make sense, however, since he is not in the same field as I am. However, she has made it clear that she broke up with her Japanese boyfriend and came to the US to get a husband, and she only has a few more months here to get the job done. I have never opposed any of these people and have always considered them all to be friends. I don't know what to make of this woman's remarks or what to say. Thank you for any advice.
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