never eat alone blog

Me and Barry Diller

Today the Eyes on Sales blog is running a post by me on how to get face time with the people you'd most like to meet -- even when you think it's impossible.

Tip 120 – Tell Your Boss What You Think

A snippet from this week's Tip - have you signed up yet?

"Nothing gets careers -- and companies -- in overdrive like candor. What I mean by candor is simple: Being honest with everyone from your best buddy to your boss. If that seems like a wild idea to you, just think about Wall Street. Markets work best when all the players have access to the same information. That's why we demand corporate transparency and prohibit insider trading.

And still, in our own lives we are often reluctant to practice candor, especially when it comes to business. Some of us aren't just reluctant: We'll do anything to avoid saying something less than positive to someone, even if it's the truth."

How to Bounce Back

One of many things I admire about my friend Karen Salmansohn - author of 29 books - is her incredible energy, and even more so, her incredible positive energy. That's why I'm so happy that her new book is The Bounce Back Book: How to Thrive in the Face of Adversity, Setbacks, and Losses -- no one is better equipped to write it than a positive thinker. It's a collection of tips on bouncing back. So important, because it's true - what you do after a mistake is a heckuva lot more important than the mistake itself. I asked her a few questions for you guys, and she offered some great advice.

Q. Karen, why did you write THE BOUNCE BACK BOOK - was it personal?

A. No one is exempt from pain -- not even self-help book authors! In my book I confess that within the span of one year, I went through a string of so many bad occurrences, I kept waiting for a Candid Camera crew to appear from behind the planter in my living room! First, the real estate broker, real estate lawyer, and moving company I hired found sneaky ways to rip me off.  Next, a longtime business buddy hired me to package new groovy chocolate bars, then never paid me.  But those were nothing compared to the lowest point; a sexual assault by someone I knew as an acquaintance.  I fully understand how painful and challenging life can be. Thankfully I also understand how with right psychological resiliency tools at your disposal, you can bounce back from a set back -- often even stronger, wiser, happier. Indeed the worst of times can often paradoxically double-duty as the best of times.

Q. In my work as a coach, I often see behaviorial patterns that come up again and again. Is there any particular pattern of behavior you see that keeps people from bouncing back from a tough time?

A. A lot of people tend to ask themselves depressing questions -- which will 100% get depressing answers. For example people tend to ruminate: "Why didn't I…?" "What if…?" "Why me?" None of us would allow such mean and nasty questions from an outside source, so we shouldn’t talk to ourselves this way either! I suggest you stop and swap the negative questions immediately for these questions which bounce you upward: "What can I do to move forward?" "How can I grow from this challenge?" "What's within my control to change?"

Q, You’re known for your best selling books on happiness - like HOW TO BE HAPPY DAMMIT. We like happiness around here. Is there a particular happiness mantra or motto that you find especially helpful?

I have a single word mantra I recommend – the word FORWARD. Whenever you’re tempted to dwell in the past, repeat this single word: FORWARD. Also, it helps if you’re a forward thinker and brainstorm up one positive thought and positive action to use to keep you moving forward. When you’re tempted to indulge in a negative, regressive behavior -- consciously stop it and swap it for one that will move you forward!

Thanks Karen!

High Flyers

We got a ton of great responses from readers about how they're using self-engineered peer networks to transform their success, personal and professional: Thank you all!

Reader/author/speaker Waldo Waldman calls his advisor group his "wingmen," dating back to his time as an Air Force pilot. He wrote, "my formation of wingmen helped me to deal with my fear in combat (I dealt with claustrophobia as well as enemy missiles) and also in my personal life…helping me stay focused on the target and keeping me accountable for my commitments."

Waldo's story rang a bell. I met recently with the former head of leadership training for the Army. While we were talking, he reminded me that what we are doing relative to bringing peer-to-peer support into the workplace is exactly what the military has counted on for centuries. If a strong peer support group can help soldiers stay brave and true in the most dangerous, extreme situations, imagine what it can do for you.

Quick Hit

Check out my advice for college students from the great Ben Pfeiffer's blog.

Leadership Opportunities Are Everywhere

Recently my company moved into a real “office” space, after several years working out of a beautiful home in West Hollywood. At first I was against the move: it’s farther from my home and I wasn’t crazy about the idea of an office atmosphere. But I had to admit, we had outgrown our old space.

Turns out these past two weeks since the move might be among if not the most enjoyable and empowering period in my professional life. In thinking about it this past weekend, I got inspired to write my team a note of thank you and encouragement. I’m posting a piece of that here because some of it is also a message for the larger KF family – all of you great people who visit my site, read my book, and participate in my community. Thank you all so much. As I said to my staff, I’m honored by every minute you spend with me.

Warmest,
Keith

Dear FG Team,
I wanted to reach out to everyone and thank you for the last two weeks. I see now, and it happened even before we walked through the doors for me, that it was such an important move to help tap into the unique and powerful talents that exist inside of FG. Each of you is impressive and capable of contributing toward this amazing and game changing firm we are all building...

I hope I can be some of the leader we all need to get there, but I know for sure that we all need your leadership to get there. Each of you is a leader of those around you who you interact with every day – even those who are around you today if you are reading this at home on the weekend.  Practice our skills every day.  Suspend prejudice and project the positive.  Strive for deeper intimacy to the point of vulnerability.  Be generous and find ways to help others when you see they need it.  Hold yourselves and those around you to the highest level of accountability; greatness comes at no less a commitment.  Be candid, transparency will set us all free from the tyranny of politics and solitude and find each of us into a place at FG and beyond of connectedness and freedom like we have found no where else.

Thanks for being a part of this firm.  I’m honored that you have chosen to spend your time on our mission.

Tip 119 - Think and Grow Rich

A snippet from this week's Tip of the Week:

"If you want to be a true leader and reach your highest potential, you’ll need help. People who have your back. People who guide you. People who care.

One of the smartest moves I ever made was giving an ownership stake in my business to two of my close associates, Jim Hannon and John Kelly. These guys were running my company while I was running all over the world giving talks and promoting my book—important stuff, but someone had to keep the lights on back home. Then one day Greg, one of my most trusted advisors—a longtime mentor and former colleague who had joined my board—told me that I needed to be giving these guys more responsibility. They needed to be partners.

Greg was right. In Think and Grow Rich (a classic business book that still isn’t dated after more than 70 years), Napoleon Hill wrote: “The able leader trains understudies to whom he may delegate, at will, any of the details of his position.” Hill also preached the value of having a team of trusted advisors, which he called the Master Mind."

To read the full Tip of the Week going forward, sign up here.

There But for the Grace of God

Last night I went to a dinner party with a group of old friends, at the home of one of my best and oldest friends Roy Edelman, the CEO of Spectrum Laboratories. I could write a book just about the times Roy and I have had together around the world in business and in friendship.

Around the time we were having dessert, I heard that our mutual friend Kevin James had been on Chris Matthews recently and had apparently embarrassed himself. [See update below]. Pretty painful, particularly if you are watching a friend. Look, I have nothing to say in support of Kevin’s position. I’m frankly not even sure I understand all the issues associated with what he was trying to say or from where his point of view originated. But here is what I do know. I feel for Kevin even if I have no clue why he did what he did. First, we have NO idea what caused Kevin to choose the path he chose in his communication or to overstep his point. And we have no idea why Chris made such a point of embarrassing Kevin when he has had him on his show many times before. What happened behind the scenes we will never know. Did Chris give Kevin a pep talk off the air before we tuned in that prompted Kevin to come out of the gate like he did? Was Kevin perhaps tweaked by something in his own personal life or was there perhaps an overreaching ambition or insecurity that caused the performance he gave? I don’t know, but I watched with pain as a friend who I have grown up with as a professional did something that ultimately made this weekend one of the worst for him in a very, very long time.

What do we do when a friend slips up? (You might remember I wrote recently about what to do when you slip up.) How do we help a friend that’s gotten himself into real trouble? The answer is, if we know who they are and we believe their behavior is not reflective of a deeper moral or values challenge, we are there for them. Hmmmn - as I write that I’m starting to think maybe it's even broader. Maybe if we care about them, we just don’t judge. Period. (Anyway, I’ve always believed that is someone else’s job, not mine.) We just support.

So what I should I do in this situation? The answer to me is clear. I call Kevin and tell him what I heard, what I saw and that frankly, that’s not why I’m calling. I’m just calling to say I’m sorry that he has to deal with this crap and that I care about him and am calling to tell him that. Chris Matthews doesn’t matter. He’s a good man, I feel it in my soul. All that matters is that he gets beyond this and learns from it and continues forward doing things that will make a positive difference.

Over time, with enough generosity to the world, all things are forgiven and even forgotten. I worked for Mike Milken and saw his past legal issues fade in the bright light of his generosity and philanthropy. When Martha Stewart was imprisoned, I reached out her, having met her many times and respected her as a professional. I told her how my sister and mother were not judging her and still loved her as the household maven they always looked to for advice.

When someone’s at a bottom, nothing means more than to be told they are still respected and cared for. Think about how you can be there for others when they most need it.

UPDATE: I read your comments. Rubbing salt in a wound was definitely not my intention! Here's how I saw it. Everyone I know had already seen the clip when I posted it. It was all over the internet. I wanted to get a message in the mix that at least gave him the benefit of the doubt. At the same time, I've decided to remove the link to the clip itself -- it's the equivalent of gossip at this point and I regret posting it.

I've talked to Kevin. He's doing well and seeing the bright side - people are talking about him! Given his track record, I know that ultimately that's what will shine through, and bring him continuing success.

Making Your Conference Worth Attending

Seth's got a good post today reminding people that in an age of better teleconferencing options and hellish travel scenarios, conferences need to add serious value in order for attendees to feel like all that schlepping was worth it.

What should a good conference offer? Seth writes:

...here's what a conference organizer owes the attendees: surprise, juxtaposition, drama, engagement, souvenirs and just possibly, excitement.

To that I'd add INTIMACY - and maybe booze.

How to Wow

We all know that impressions mean a lot, especially when it comes to new relationships. Corporate coach Frances Jones believes every encounter is an opportunity to positively influence colleagues, employers, neighbors, and friends, and she provides vital guidelines for doing so in her new book How to Wow: Proven Strategies for Presenting Your Ideas, Persuading Your Audience, and Perfecting Your Image.  The book is packed with helpful tips for making the best impression in any situation.  In an interview, Jones can tell you how to:

 

• Not only enjoy your cocktail or dinner party, but ensure you leave with connections to interesting fellow guests

• Interview flawlessly with a top school for your child 

• Navigate the ever-terrifying high school or college reunion

• Effectively employ the twelve most persuasive words in the English language to command the lunch table OR the boardroom 

• Maximize your time and message in meetings – whether it’s with the CEO or the PTA

• Decipher the mental machinations of the co-op board or club membership committee

• Bargain or debate in any situation to your advantage

• Re-enter the tightening job market with confidence and flair
 


For more information check out the website at www.HowToWow-theBook.com.

Keith Interviews Guru Singh

If you haven't already checked out my interviews with Guru Singh on youtube, I hope you'll check them out, along with Guru Singh's blog and online community, where he wrote some kind words about me yesterday.

Topics covered in the interview include "What is a Sikh,"  overcoming self pity, mastering your emotions, and more.

Thank you Guru Singh!

Tip 118 - Create A Genius Factory

A snippet from this week's Tip of the Week:

"My consulting company is constantly pushing clients to give group problem solving a try. With that in mind, I’d like to walk you through some of the basics, distilled from years of experience leading group sessions and training the world’s most successful companies to do the same."

To receive the entire tip moving forward, please sign-up for my Tip of the Week.

Need Help Growing Your Business?

Then join me, along with Michael Port, Andy Sernovitz, and Stephanie Diamond for a call on Wed, May 14, at 3pm ET to learn how to earn more, work less, and create the business you've always wanted.

In this teleseminar we'll discuss Michael's new book, Beyond Booked Solid, and hear how he built a wildy successful consulting and training company.

This is a great group of experts. Andy Sernovitz is the author of Word of Mouth Marketing and founder of Word-of-Mouth Marketing Association. Stephanie Diamond is the former AOL Marketing Director and author of Web Marketing for Small Businesses.

Can't make the live call?  That's ok.  Go ahead and click this link to register anyways, so you can get access to the recording afterwards.

See you on the call!

Lucky Author

Driving to the gym yesterday before our Mother's Day brunch back home in Pittsburgh, we were hit by a falling tree while passing St. Vincent Cathedral.

Polo doesn't sound so unsafe any more! But as far as I'm concerned, my polo accident, a multiple-ton tree falling on my car, these moments tell me something: I'm a lucky guy! They could have been MUCH worse!

You can try to walk through life carefully, making calculated risks and hedging your bets -- and then life comes and throws a 200-foot pine tree at you. So why not just go at it full throttle?

Create Your Own Genius Factory

I want all the companies I work with (and all of you guys, of course!) to check out Malcolm Gladwell’s fascinating piece about scientific progress and Nathan Myhrvold’s company Intellectual Ventures. IV's success can be read as an incredibly inspiring example of how group problem solving spurs innovation – which is exactly why my consulting company trains companies around the world to do it.

Gladwell describes IV this way:

“In 1999, when Nathan Myhrvold left Microsoft and struck out on his own, he set himself an unusual goal. He wanted to see whether the kind of insight that leads to invention could be engineered. He formed a company called Intellectual Ventures. He raised hundreds of millions of dollars. He hired the smartest people he knew. It was not a venture-capital firm. Venture capitalists fund insights—that is, they let the magical process that generates new ideas take its course, and then they jump in. Myhrvold wanted to make insights—to come up with ideas, patent them, and then license them to interested companies.”

Myhrvold hoped Intellectual Ventures would file 100 patents a year. Instead they’re filing 500 patents per year, “with a blacklog of 3000 ideas.” As Bill Gates puts it in the piece, “I can give you fifty examples of ideas they’ve had where, if you take just one of them, you’d have a startup company right there.” (Even though Gates is a major investor, i.e. biased, I hear he’s had some small success in business so I’ll trust him.)

You might be thinking, “It worked because they were geniuses.” I'm sure that didn't hurt, but there was still some magic that came out of putting them together -- ideas flourished beyond all expectation. Malcolm writes:

“Ideas weren’t precious. They were everywhere, which suggested that maybe the extraordinary process that we thought was necessary for invention—genius, obsession, serendipity, epiphany—wasn’t necessary at all.” 

Although Gladwell's more interested in the idea of multiplicity in scientific progress than group problem solving per se, it's clearly part of the IV phenomenon. Working in groups takes us farther, faster – having others to push us helps us close out blind alleys and move past false assumptions. Stay tuned for a possible upcoming Tip of the Week on some tools to make group problem solving as effective and productive as possible.

My consultants often find that companies give up on group problem solving before it can be successful because they haven't put the right foundation and process into place to reap the rewards. So how about you, what's your feeling on group problem solving? Like it? Hate it? Speak.

Tip 117 - Zip it!

Below is a snippet from this week's Tip of the Week:

"Admit it: You like to gossip. Who doesn't? Gossip is popular for the same reason that shows like Desperate Housewives are hits. It's cheap entertainment that lets us escape into someone else's problems rather than confront our own. Gossip is often a form of schadenfreude - delighting in someone else's misfortune.

You might be thinking, "That's not me, I don't do that." Maybe you don't, but I bet there has been a time you've used gossip to curry status at work or in other peer groups. Information is currency. You might feel that by showing others you're "in the know" on the latest gossip, you're upping your place in the pecking order.

Resist that urge."

To receive the entire tip moving forward, please sign up for my Tip of the Week.

Read and Discuss

In April's issue of The Meeting Professional, check out the piece "Beware Budget Bungles: Managing Your Budget in Uncertain Economic Environments," by Suzanna de Baca. There's a lot of great, timely insight, and she includes a few quotes from me on how to tailor conference agendas when times are tight. As you might guess, I recommend a focus on relationships and maximizing an event's "ROI" - Return on Intimacy.

Also check out this W Magazine article on Arianna Huffington, the incredible author and media maven who we are fortunate enough to count as one of Ferrazzi Greenlight's Thought Leaders. The article mentions one of the things that I find especially admirable about Arianna:

"...she has a ready laugh and the ability to create an instant intimacy. 'She can do anything—give a speech, a toast, tell a story,' says director and writer Nora Ephron, a longtime friend. 'But she can also sit there and make you think you’re the only person on the planet.'  Known for her sharp wit and her trademark Gabor-sister accent, 'she’s as fast on her feet as any comedian,' says Ephron."

Not everyone's such a natural at creating instant intimacy - but you can learn to become better at it. Those who've read Never Eat Alone know that I recommend skipping small talk and sharing your real interests as one way to start creating a bond. I'd love to hear how you create instant intimacy - or your struggles in trying - in the comments.